The Hope Neuron

I’m hesitating. I want so badly to have this go well and I’m hesitating over the keyboard like the thing might catch fire if I start typing.

Okay. Breaths. Steady calm breaths.

My name is Zandrite, and this is my first post for what I am calling The Hope Neuron. It’s a place for me to put my thoughts, experiences and, in particular, my hopes for self-improvement. I am planning to track my journey as I make new efforts to get healthier and happier overall. I’m not expecting a perfect rocketing towards success, but I am hopeful that things can get better.

The “hope neuron” is what I call the small bit of optimism that resides within me. At times I have felt as if my mind is a crowd of people. Much of the time that crowd has some very unpleasant voices in it. Thoughts that are full of misery, shame, doubt, guilt and all the rest of the negative spectrum. Even so, no matter how bad it gets, I still have one person in that mental room who tells me things can work out. One little blip of optimism on the brain radar amidst a cloud of depression. It never leaves me. I feel like the hope neuron has been there for me in some very dark times. I’m so fortunate to have it in my head. I wish I knew why it was there in the first place, because maybe then I could help other people find their own.

This blog represents my hopes for getting better and for coping better with my life. I decided I wanted to share this for a few reasons. Firstly because I believe it will improve my motivation to succeed and help keep me from giving up. Second, I am a very isolated person and it is my intention to reach out in a way that I can be comfortable with. I want to express myself. To be heard. I suppose that’s a fundamental component for most writers, isn’t it? For most creators, in fact. Last, it is my sincere hope that by writing this blog I can bring some amount of aid to other readers who may feel like they are in similar situations.

That is the biggest payoff I would yearn for from this experience. If I can help someone feel a little less alone, or perhaps even to nurture their own hope neuron, I will be gratified beyond description.

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I am absolutely terrible at doing what I’m told. At least, not reliably. I know myself well enough to know that any change has to be self-generated. I can’t run on someone else’s clock. I guess that means I will be doing things my way, with all the fumbling and inexperience that will contain.

I’d like explain who I am in a bit of detail in order to illustrate my current condition and later show how it will be improved. I’d like to preface this by telling you that I’m so afraid that someone is going to rail at me for not having it so bad and to stop my whining. This isn’t exactly an unfounded fear, I have gotten pretty harsh flak in my past.

However, I’m trying to hold on to my spirit of enthusiasm with my journey towards wellbeing in mind. I’m not saying that I have it the worst. In many ways I am quite fortunate. Be that as it may, I don’t see that as any reason not to strive for more. For better. For healthier. I think that is my right as a human being.

Okay, enough disclaimer.

I am 36 years old. I have been exhibiting symptoms of mental illness since I was about eleven years old. At that age, I used to wake up in the middle of the night and start panicking because I was afraid of dying. Specifically, afraid of the concept, not of some immediate danger. From what I understand, this is called “death anxiety” and is a particularly difficult form of thanatophobia to cope with.

At about 15… (And every date is rough, I have a hard time remembering when specific events in my past have taken place.) I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I have lived with symptoms of both ever since. The intensity varies on a long cycle, one that appears to coincide with both the seasons (seasonal affective disorder) and my menstrual cycle (premenstrual dysphoric disorder).

Years later, maybe ten years or so from now, I was also diagnosed with ADHD, inattentive type. Last year we also started to explore that possibility that I am on the autistic spectrum as well. My doctor is referring me to a specialist on that front after I scored within the limits of a few different diagnostic tests.

Physically, I am not in terrible condition. However, I do have sleep apnea and more recently I developed type 2 diabetes. Both of which can be extreme saps on one’s energy when they are untreated.

I am not ashamed of the person I am. I only want to embrace what is healthy and learn to have better coping strategies In the years to come.

Okay.

Here we go.

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So today is day zero. Tomorrow is day one. Where do we stand?

Well, to be honest, it’s pretty bad. I don’t have very high standards but I know it’s pretty bad.

Mood, self-esteem, creativity, relationships, exercise, finances, hygiene, chores. They could all be improved upon. Vastly.

But hey, that just means more room to succeed, right? Right? Dang, I hope so.

But baby steps are a much better plan than trying to do it all at once and falling flat on my face in the process. Which means I am going to pick a few ways to help myself and start very slow and very minor. Because the conventional wisdom is that maintaining a habit takes time. Trying to implement a whole bunch of changes at once is likely to backfire.

So. What do I start with?

I’m going to try no more than five at once. A handful of tasks to take over a set amount of time in the hopes of creating better habits for myself.

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#1
Writing time.

This one is a huge measure for me. When I can’t get anything written I get very frustrated and down on myself. So lately I have been trying to commit myself to a daily effort. Not a set time, not a set word count, but merely taking time every day to at least look at my writing project. I am going to count the time I spend, but it’s to build a sense of accomplishment, not to mandate any particular amount.

#2
Reading time.

I am so bad at reading these days. It is something that really bothers me because I used to be so engaged in books. They were my haven. I feel like my creative attempts can only benefit from me renewing my reading habits.

Admittedly my ADHD as made it difficult to stay on such a task but I find that if I can start out by reading aloud, then at least it pulls my attention in. I may monitor my time read as well, or I may monitor my progress through each book. Page by page.

#3
Walking.

This is something I also keep intending to implement, and often fall behind on. For now, this particular goal seems like it will be easier to stick with. I have upcoming treatments scheduled over the next month or so and the best bus to take is within walking distance. So on these days I will walk, weather permitting. On bad (cold) days I can always take the closer bus to the best bus instead, but I’m hoping that won’t be often.

With walking, any day that I get out and do any is going to be considered a win. Later on, when it’s got a more established trend, I am willing to up the ante somewhat. Baby steps.

#4
Tidying time

Probably the most difficult, shame filled component of my goals. The disaster that is the condition of my apartment. Once again, I’m not going to start with any particular demand on it. I’m merely going to establish that I have put in the effort on a given day. I’m not even expecting to start with more than one or two days a week, to be honest. Part of the reason for that is this upcoming demand of the treatments, and partly because I know well enough that I simply won’t have the energy, mentally or physically to do more.

#5
Dental care

My teeth are not terrible, but they could be much better cared for than they are. I absolutely loathe going to the dentist and I know one of the best ways of avoiding them beyond checkups is by not giving myself a need to be there. (Granted, I have not done a checkup in far too long.) What I feel I need to do is to take better care of my teeth and gums as they are in order to alleviate the fear of being examined (and judged) by an oral hygienist or dentist. So the mission this time is dental care twice a day. That’s the standard minimum.

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That’s the five.

My psychiatrist recommended that I take approximately 30 days at a time to try and form some good habits for myself.

Okay. So, I guess that means I start here. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I really hope that this blog succeeds. That I can share my journey with a few readers and make a difference for myself and maybe someone else, too.

I’d like to get on my soapbox for a minute here and explain that avoidance and avoidant personality disorder can be incredibly debilitating. The thing you’re avoiding can seem so trivial to other people. Why don’t you just handle it?

To them it’s a simple task, to you it can be a source of excruciating shame and guilt. It can feel like some terrible monster that you can’t face. It feels like the monster won’t attack if you don’t look… but at the same time it keeps getting bigger and bigger and you know eventually you will have to face it. But how?

I understand that shame and that fear. I have been in that situation for a long time. I feel terrible for the condition of my life. It all seems to be my fault and yet at the same time it feels like I just got here and I have to deal with the chaos some doppelganger left behind her.

I have also been worse than I am now. I have been through times when I was so repulsed by myself that I kept the bathroom cabinet open so I couldn’t see myself in the mirror every day.

I am still afraid and ashamed and embarrassed but somehow, I’m pushing past it and trying to let it out. Somehow, my hope neuron is firing strongly enough that I feel like I can do this. I can get better. I can feel better. I’m going to try because part of me knows that I’m not worthless. That I deserve to be happy.

In the interests of honesty and openness I am perfectly willing to reply to questions or comments, should there be any. Welcome to The Hope Neuron. Welcome to the start of my journey.