The Hope Neuron

I don’t get angry the right way. Or, at least, that’s how it feels. Very often, I wind up falling into depression instead. Anger is volatile, and also a transgression, in my head. I can’t manage it without my own thoughts starting to tear me down. It’s as if something stops me when the emotion comes up.

“No, you’re not allowed. You must be wrong.”

The blame turns in on me almost instantly and it’s incredibly frustrating. How can I stand up for myself when I start to tear myself down as badly as the source of my anger? I am constantly trying to move towards understanding and compassion. When I can’t seem to get any back, it is absolutely exhausting.

I’m fed up. I’m fed up with being the one in the automatic wrong. When did I decide that I wasn’t allowed to get mad? Why do I have to watch what I say every time? Why don’t I have permission to be a bitch sometimes? Why does it feel like it’s only me worrying about hurting someone with what I say? I don’t know.

The core of the thing is, I don’t want to be angry. I feel like it’s toxic, especially if I dwell on it. If I let it out, do I really feel any better? Or does it feel better to divert it? To flip it over and get by it.

That’s what I really want. I want to find the strength to overcome anger. I don’t want to sink down into it. I want to feel that serene gift of being able to let it go. When I can relinquish a negative emotion, it’s like I can breathe again.

So I try, and I keep trying. I know that there are conflicts that need handling, which I am bad at doing. But expecting to resolve conflicts with anger just seems ridiculous to me.

Today I was angry and I wanted to be mean. I stopped myself from doing it. Is that the same as bottling up the emotion? I don’t think so. I think I was taking care of myself, for one thing, and not putting fuel on the fire, for another.

I know I have goals to meet, but I think it’s a bit short-sighted of me to assume I can bulldoze my way to them. It’s important to have emotional progress as much as anything else. Maybe even before anything else.