The Hope Neuron

Tomorrow is the first day of my 20-30 sessions of TMS. They say transcranial magnetic stimulation. I say brain magnets. It’s my shorthand.

My biggest concern about the brain magnets doesn’t really have to do with the treatment at all. It has to do with getting to the appointment on time. And the next one. And the next one. There’s going to be 20-30 of them and I have to be up, travelling and on time, every weekday morning until it’s done. With the buses as unreliable as they are, it’s going to mean giving myself 90 minutes to get there reasonably early.

For a shut-in like me, it’s intimidating. Up until a couple weeks ago, I hadn’t gotten on a bus for years. Not only that, but it’s a MANDATORY influence on my schedule. I have to go. If I don’t, if I skip more than a few days, then it screws up the process and they will call it off.

I don’t want that. I really hope that I will see some positive effects from the brain magnets. It’s just that the knowledge that I have to go rattles my anxiety. Suddenly there’s an important THING. I have to do the thing even if I don’t feel like doing the thing.

It seems pretty silly when I write it down like that, but it doesn’t make the pressure any less of a factor. I’m worried. I’m going to do everything I can to stick with this, but I’m still nervous that I will become my own enemy.

But yeah, this time tomorrow, I’m hoping to have a successful appointment under my belt. Fingers crossed.

ps: I’ve told at least 3 people who are convinced I’m going to gain superpowers. Can’t confirm or deny at this point.