The Hope Neuron

Things have been changing. I wish I’d been able to provide more of the interim since I last posted, but it’s my hope that I can improve upon this blog, as a better habit.

So, how are things? Perfect? Definitely not. All the same, I can safely say that I’m feeling more confident in my trajectory. It’s an upwards one, which I appreciate. For however long it lasts, I will continue to appreciate it.

I’m feeling more secure in the fundamental habits that I’ve been attempting. Self-care essentials such as regular showers and brushing teeth are beginning to feel less like burdens and more like routine.

I’m starting to incorporate early-day walks and late-day meditation. My writing, reading and tidying are still sporadic, but I don’t feel discouraged. I’m taking some of the smallest possible steps, but they feel like they just might stick, so I’m happy to move slow if it means I backpedal less.

I’m more determined and more focused.

But where did it come from?

I hate to sound… Basic? Obvious? But first and foremost I think I have to attribute this to better sleep.

It’s kind of a domino trick, this development. I spoke to an occupational therapist, she happens to have a minor obsession with improving patients’ sleep habits. Self-described “sleep police.”

Domino tap, I tell her I have sleep apnea that hasn’t been treated for years.

Domino tap, we go together to the sleep lab and book me in to see the doctor.

Domino tap, I get reexamined and put on a trial of a bi-pap machine.

Domino tap, I am sleeping with more oxygen getting to my brain, sleeping more soundly, sleeping more effectively.

Domino tap, I feel like I am starting to have more energy, and I can start to do some of the things my therapist and I intended to begin with.

Domino tap, I feel better about myself and have more confidence to continue in a positive direction.

Tah dah! Neat trick, huh?

Let me be clear:

I am not saying everything is all better. I’m not saying this solved all my problems. There are entrenched behaviours and beliefs that I know I am going to have to work on going forward. What I am saying is this:

Do not underestimate the power of getting a good night’s sleep. ESPECIALLY as far as sleep apnea is concerned. I have hope for my goals where I used to have despair.

I still have daunting work in front of me, but I’m really starting to believe that I can do this, and sooner than I thought. Please, if you’re reading this and you think you might have sleep apnea, go look it up. Contact your doctor. Do something. Bad sleep makes everything worse. It’s an anchor. In some ways I think it dragged me down from early on.

I didn’t think it mattered for a long time, and it frustrates me to think all the time I’ve probably lost to this problem.

Just check, okay?

Another thing about sleep, before I move on. I am probably getting my nights back, and I am so excited.

In an earlier post, “When my Nights Were Mine”, I wrote about feeling like I had lost that precious time of privacy and sanctuary.

Well, another bonus of seeing the sleep doctor is that he has also recommended that I experiment with later bedtimes. Based on the data he has received from the bi-pap, I am sleeping pretty much as well as I can expect to, but he noted that I still sleep quite a long time, and early in the night.

I explained that I was trying to keep good bedtime habits and that, previously, I had been going to bed so early because I was so tired by that time. He explained that I didn’t need to be in bed as long as I was, and he suspects that I have delayed sleep phase. Apparently it’s quite common with ADHDers. What it means is that I will likely feel more alert than I do at the beginning of my day if I stay up to a later time and sleep in. Not sleeping to excess, but getting the standard amount. He encouraged me to see what happens if I move my sleep schedule later. I have to say, I’m very pleased. More night!

And, fingers crossed, more writing.