The Hope Neuron

I mentioned last time that I’ve started meditating, which probably sounds absurd.

ADHDer? Meditating? Sounds unlikely, eh?

It doesn’t do nearly the heavy lifting that better sleep does, but I will admit: so far, it’s helpful. Whenever I finish meditating, I always feel like I’ve gotten a boost from it. I’ve been doing a little bit every night for at least a week and even in that time, I’d say it makes a difference. I also have a few personal insights that I’d like to share on the subject.

Fair disclaimer: I am not an expert on any of these matters. I am simply sharing my perspective and opinions.

If you are looking for a way to help your mood on a habitual level, I would definitely recommend meditation.

However, if you’re anything like me, you’re going to need to find your own way forward. From my position, with my background, it is very hard for me to approach this kind of thing without severe skepticism. I don’t have faith… Probably in almost anything. And I have serious problems with being told what to do.

So, in my opinion, the best way to get started is not to do what I do, but look into various methods for yourself. There’s not a singular way to meditate that everyone uses across the board. I know this because the method I use is somewhat sidelined in modern practices, especially as far as mental health circles are concerned.

But I’m not doing it wrong, not from where I sit. If it was wrong, why does it work? And besides, once you start looking for yourself, you’ll see all sorts of flavours popping up. E.g., search “guided meditation” anywhere and you’ll see what I mean.

In the spirit of stubborn independence, I advise you to pick your own meditation style. If it’s not great for you, maybe there’s another to try. If you really want it, you have to put some commitment behind the idea. Invest time, because that’s basically what meditation is: simultaneously investing and spending time. I may be a layperson, but I figured that much out. So can you.

I will tell you that the method I have mostly adopted is called zazen. It’s the method used in many spheres of Zen Buddhism. In particular, I have to owe my understanding of this method to the work of Brad Warner and his paraphrasing of the words of the Zen Master Dogen. Warner’s book is called “Don’t Be A Jerk” and I highly recommend it for an informal approach to Zen teachings. Zazen basically consists of sitting, with eyes open, in a pretty typical posture (lotus position or half lotus) and breathing evenly while “thinking the thought of not-thinking.” It sounds a little weird, or very weird, and I have lost people on that quote, but it does make sense in practice. Brad Warner does a much better job of breaking it down than I could. I don’t doubt he’s got a website or something to help, in addition to his numerous published books. His surfing metaphor for meditation really helped me to get started.

When I do zazen, I lie down. Rule break number one, I guess. But I’m working on improving and for me, the first stage has got to be embracing the mental aspect. I can’t sit the way they say to without back pain. I’m hoping to do exercises to mitigate that, but this isn’t going to stop me from practicing in the meantime! I lie down on my back, arms loose at my sides, and I stare at the ceiling.

If you are approaching this from a similar angle as I am, this is about the mood benefit. In order to reach for the mood benefit, I have found that embracing an informal attitude is very helpful. Don’t take it too seriously. Just start doing it. Zen is a very “in the moment” mindset. Doing it perfectly, or worrying about perfect, is going to take you away from the entire point.

In my opinion, it’s more Zen to scratch your nose if it itches than to try and ignore it. So scratch if you need to. Shift posture if you need to. Blink. Breathe evenly, first and foremost, feel for the rest, and then go with the not-thinking.

How? Just think it, and when other thoughts come up, think them until you remember to go blank again. You don’t quit just because you can’t do it right away. Or if it doesn’t seem to happen the first time. Nothing is happening. Boredom is likely to be the first thing you notice. But you can accept it, take it in and let it go. And then start again. Like Brad Warner has said: it’s like surfing, you don’t agonize over the failure, you get back in position and ride the next wave.

Also, breathe. Did I mention, breathe? It’s the first thing you should go back around to when you notice you’ve gotten distracted. I have noticed myself trying to concentrate on not thinking and instead I held my breath. Zazen involves breathing. Keep breathing.

I have ADHD and I’m telling you, it’s possible. I’ve barely been at this a week in earnest, but I can tell it’s possible. It helps me. I’d love it to help you.

Okay, sure, but we’ve got to talk about timing, too. How does a person sit there and take that time in silence, in nothingness? (Granted some meditation uses the visualization approach, or mantras, affirmations, etc.) But how do you practice doing it, with ADHD, for the time expected?

First off, I don’t have any time expected. I don’t really know how long I can expect myself to sit still. I am building up from nothing.

And I have help. I’m using a timer. I have a time set and it runs down silently and vibrates gently when it’s done.

At first, I was doing five minutes. I made a wager with myself.

“If you can try this for five whole minutes without checking the time or giving up, you win. If you check the time, you have to go for another five minutes.”

I didn’t win the first time. I checked at roughly 3 minutes in. So I went again. I got my five minutes the second time.

I can’t speak as to the quality of meditation, but it was a start.

The next night, I did my five minutes on the first try. (My allotted time was in the evening, as part of a wind-down routine.)

On the fourth night, it seemed like the five minutes were passing faster than I expected. I did another five.

I’ve done ten minutes for all the nights from then till now. It’s feeling short again too. Tonight, I might try fifteen.

I might just get the hang of it. I might even stop timing it, at some point.

Like I said, I don’t know what my maximum would be. Granted that the average person struggles to focus for more than 40 minutes at a time, I think my ambition might be to make it to 35 minutes.

With ADHD that might sound a little lofty… But then, I guess, it’s not truly an attention deficit so much as attention management. ADHDers can fixate on things. It’s control over the focus that mostly seems elusive.

And, on the other hand, I would argue that meditation doesn’t require uninterrupted focus, anyway. It’s a matter of willfully recommitting your attention, once you lose it.

Okay, I’ve got to admit, I’d love to get it up to an hour. Still, one step at a time. We’ll see. Maybe there’s a threshold for me that I haven’t encountered yet. I still have to start with fifteen, next. I’m not going to jump the queue.

Still, taking a quiet moment, whether or not you meditate, can be soothing. Now that I’ve been trying it, I find the anticipation of slowing myself down is itself a good feeling.

Try five minutes. However you want. Whenever you want. Earnestly try. I think you can do it.